HOW TO KILL A HERO

HOW TO KILL A HERO

So I have been out for a few days thinking about something I did. . . a week ago I ran over . . .no not ran over I hit a dog good thing it was malnourished and I kinda put it out of its misery. . . not proud of it though. Anyway today my pals and I were talking about our school days and I realized that our education system is not as crappy as I thought e.g. Today I will blog about our history book heroes . . . or legends. First there was Shaka the Zulu the dude could only die by having his shadow stabbed, shot or something . . . and people actually believed that!! BITE ME! Another hero was Gor . . . Apparently this is also a legend who the Luo believed was made of stone . . . they must have killed him with a sledge hammer or something . . . no wonder the fans like throwing stones

There is also that story about the maji maji rebellion that happened somewhere in our neighboring country Tanzania. . . Some prophet told the soldiers that taking some water from a certain river would make them bullet proof. .COME ON!! Shoot me now. . . So fast forward about a millennium later terrorists suicide bombers have the promise to meet a good number of virgins after blowing up a good number of people. . . HaHa But I wouldn’t know since I have not been to the afterlife.  Anyway I hope I have reminded you of how useful history class was and now I have to prepare to go watch UEFA champions. . . REAL MADRID v MANCHESTER CITY teren teren.

‘WHOEVER INVENTED “KNOCK KNOCK” JOKES SHOULD GET A NO-BELL PRICE’

Some of you will get that in 2013 . . . I got to stop using that and replace it with 2015.

©2012

WOMEN

WOMEN

This topic has been written about over and over again and nobody understands this species of human beings, today I go down in history as a person who has written about women.

Women do not understand themselves free advise to all men out there . . . do not try to understand them. Women are even bad to their kind and loathe each other even for no reason at all. . .

They are super sarcastic especially when exchanging greetings. . . In our country the greetings may be seen in the following sample conversation. . . Stacy and Tracy not their real names

                                Tracy: Niaje supuu. . .(Hi hottie)

                                Stacy:Poa sana Mrembo. . .(I am fine beautiful)

NB one if not both of this women is neither beautiful nor hot; I will not say ugly as it would be insensitive . . . every time I hear such a conversation, I automatically assume that it is a little game that women play with each other’s heads which they are all aware of or they just want to boost each other’s self esteem.

Women always complain about how painful child birth is, however men on the other hand also complain about how getting hit in the balls is . . . to bring this debate to an end the bloggers research from UNRELIABLE sources has formulated a solid answer; A woman after child birth will always go back to the husband and tell him “Let’s have another” However a man would not agree to have his balls hit again . . . there you have your answer.

The thing with women they will always go into a shop selling clothes that is when I see a clothes shop/hawker on the street and I am accompanied by a woman I just curse silently in my head knowing that she will spend 30 minutes looking at the clothes and buy none of them.

Women are poor time keepers and set their clocks and watches 10-15 minutes forward and still get late. . . if you do not do this and you are a woman no wonder you are never on time.. 

One thing we men have to learn is that we can never win an argument with a woman and even where we win it is only because they let us win. . .  I once had someone say “I married miss right . . .I just didn’t know her first name was always” some of you will get that in 2014

“Marriage is like a pack of cards, on the wedding day it is all about hearts and Diamonds but one year down the line you realize you need a club and a spade”

I don’t remember his name

Thanks for reading as always share with your pals ©2012

                                                

FRIENDS

FRIENDS

Hi people!! What is friendship? This is not an examination I therefore don’t have an answer to that. Friends come in various forms and sizes black, white , gay ,straight, fat , slim. . . .But this is not what I am writing about neither am I talking about the friendship on that Guinness advert; here are just but a few:

1.       The you will never make it-> this is the kind of person who never backs you in anything you decide to do . . . biblically known as Noah’s friends. This is a friend with whom you can’t share ideas with as they were sent to this world to kill dreams. . . .This is not your friend

2.       The where did you get that -> this is a typical Kenyan and applies especially to the female folk; research by the blogger shows that Kenyan’s don’t have a unique style of complementing one another; for instance take a conversation between Tracy and Stacy:

Tracy:*sees Stacy in nice top*Where did you get that Top

Stacy: I got it from that jaamaa wa ngara

Tracy: haki nilikuwa nimeiona nikaiwacha, But I’ll get one like that

NB. At no time has Stacy told Tracy that the top is nice.  Is this a real friend? Well I don’t know

3.       The lets have a drink on you-> This is the guy who thinks that you are always loaded and that your purpose in this world is to liberate him from his/her thirst for alcohol, they never return the favour.. .This should not be your friend

4.       The assist me with some cash friend->This is a professional creditor always borrowing a sok. . . they are those who pay up and I have no problem with those because we all find ourselves at a fix at one point in our lives however those who don’t pay up are NOT your friends and if your reading this BLOG and you don’t pay SHAME ON YOU!!

5.       The Switi-> this is from the bloggers experience and those of his friends; this applies mostly to the men out there, if a girl who is not your girlfriend or very close female friend calls you a random “Switi” don’t fall for that shit jua anataka kukutumia vibaya. . . doing crap that you would not ordinarily do.

-side note/ not relevant*today’s LoL show on K24 is not funny at all!! L*

6.       The do me a favour-> this is a friend who only calls you when he/she needs something and is never available when you need help.

There are however some good friends who have your back and you theirs *is that even correct* anyway this are friends you should keep this. Statistics have it that we change our friends every 7 years, something that I agree with due to change of environment, profession, lifestyle etc. They say that no man is an Island haha that is because he is a man and an island is an island *nkt not funny*

Today I don’t have a joke to post only something I have heard in the show referred in point number 5 above:

“the obituary section in the papers contains different kinds of people where it is a kyuk they write ‘a life well lived’, a beautiful girl ’gone too soon’ a Christian ‘God loved you most’ MY FAVOURITE… a LUO ‘promoted to glory’ “      

LoLK24

Thanks for reading as always share with your pals and thanks for reading

©2012

RELATIONSHIPS

RELATIONSHIPS

HELLO viewers welcome to another post on THE WORD SAUCER!! Yes I just introduced it like a T.V show.. Why? You may ask, because I can.

So today I have decided to blog about relationships, I hate people who write about relationshipsJ; they say that to be able to talk about relationships you have to be in one, I am not in one yet I will do it because it is my blog, if you have a problem with this SUCK IT UP!! Moving on swiftly I believe that a vast majority of my growing audience has been in a relationship and some are in one or two or three depending on how many cards you can hold in your hand. Someone (don’t know who probably me) once said ‘Being in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean happy and being single doesn’t mean lonely.’ I am not Dr. Love or Chris Hart or whoever else does relationship isht oh almost forgot other famous doctors Dr. Phil & Dr. Dre but I know that you cannot be clobbered into a relationship. In relationships stress would so much be avoided if everyone could shut the f**k up, You know couples argue over anything including whether this blog is good for you or not and amidst all that argument they start Saying things that should not be said and it grows into a fight, they say that fighting in a relationship is healthy ; the thing is nobody wants to lose a fight otherwise there would not be any fight at all. The problem is as the argument heats up people start throwing words like I slept with Mildred and Bruce , and utensils start flying around; free advice for those about to engage in a fight now or in the near future avoid the utensils that shit ain’t even scary anymore  and it’s so cliché.

Oprah and Oprah wannabes talk about wife battering all the time and I can too; Men out there, do NOT do it or avoid it when you can recently my next door neighbor was killing his girlfriend *and not in the way you are thinking perv* he was punching, slapping throwing dishes and all, reason being I don’t know but since it was around 3am, I would assume it was because of something that ensued at a club. They say that you should not take your girl to the club; I don’t know what to say about this but it is partially true because a nigger will spank your girlfriend right in front of you and she will expect you to kick his ass, one look at the nigger and you realize you cannot beat him and you turn to your girlfriend and tell her “Calm down babe maybe if you had not let’s not make this more difficult than it already is.” And your woman will be like come get a piece of my man …That’s a story for another day.Relationships have a good side where you’re GETTING IT from the same person and you don’t even have time to write a blog such as this ummm I guess that’s all I know you can share the rest. From all of us here at WORD SAUCER have a splendid day. End note the mind can sustain up to 7 stable relationships; NB I am not giving you ideas

‘A bachelor is someone who lives like a King and dies like a Dog’

Matatu sticker

Share this with your friends, lovers and frienemies

SERMONS

I begin typing this post at 11:59pm so I can safely assume that I posted it on a Sunday, I must point out that I am super sleepy. Today being the most religious day of the week for Christians makes me want to write about sermons; and no I am not going to preach because the good book says that you can’t preachblog.. And I did not just make that isht up preachblog is a real word.

Anyway what makes a good sermon? The church was good business until we recently discovered the MWENDES and FIRE MINISTRIES of this world and there’s a MWENDE smiley doing rounds and it looks sth like this :-^. That aside we live in a time where televangelism is booming business and all one can see is the preachers forehead because the rest of the screen is covered by M-PESA numbers. . . they ask their follower (read sheep) to plant seed so that they can get rich and stuff. . . that is sheepish.

For those of you willing to get into this tax free business you may need to know things not to preach about especially considering that some members came to church after a night of one too many  i.e.

1.       Rapture-this sermon scares the shit out of people and they will neither come to your church nor send M_PESA nobody wants to hear about sulphur and dragon breathing 10 headed monsters

2.       Tithe- This is where the congregation members stop coming to your church reason being ( after money is collected in this already hard the pastor buys a vehicle that most of us have only seen on that top gear show) this kills the giving spirit so word of advice buy a church van and give every member chai mandazi after, during or before service; believe me it’s a motivator.

3.       Miracles- after MWENDE this sermon is no longer popular

This list is not exhaustive but I have a list of sermons that will get your congregation growing

1.       Success- esp financial

2.       Spouses- women who go to church want to find men who go to church while the men who go to church are there to see single ladies, married couples are there to see different faces *part of that statement makes no sense*

3.       Being poor and seeing the kingdom of heaven. . . someone once said that ‘religion is the opium of the poor’ and I just said it again. That point is self explanatory

4.       Blah blah blah- this sermon ie the blah blah  puts the congregation to sleep and is especially good for couples as the man gets to take a nap because the woman has to observe silence *Women if your man dozes off, let him enjoy the peace and do not pinch him or nudge him disrupting his dreams about you on a guillotine” 

Thought of the day; if you go to a wedding with no alcohol or wine of any kind ask yourself “ what would Jesus do?”

KENYANS AND STEREOTYPES

It’s been a while; anyway am back. I always wanted to have a blog where I could share all the stuff I have always wanted to write about but now I have realized I don’t have much of that; what am I saying.

So recently I was hanging out with a pal of mine and we were talking about how tribal our country is and the various stereotypes that go with every ethnic group. It’s important to point out that a ‘TRIBE’ is a group of monkeys and I therefore prefer the term ethnicity. . .  That’s just my opinion though and you know what they say about opinions ‘Opinions are like an asshole we all have one but nobody wants to know what yours smells like.’ It’s my blog so am allowed to voice mine. Anyway as I was saying ethnicity; I was of the opinion that it is not important to know what part of our beautiful country one is from but my pal said that she can tell where a person is from by hanging on to a person’s every word and picking up an accent. Who has that much time and concentration?.. That’s a story for another day.

I think one should be proud of where they are from; I mean I can’t speak English like am from England reason being it is not my first language. If anything my mother tongue does not interfere with English it is English that interferes with my mother tongue. Kenyan English is horrible the terms ME I…. MY NAMES ARE…etc this is getting boring. Moving on swiftly to stereotypes.

1.      Kikuyu- Very stingy promotes mtumba business like hell. The phrase cheap is expensive doesn’t apply. The men get battered by their wives but a pal of mine was of a diametric opinion and thinks that Men batter their wives. When going to the club ‘mugithi’ they wear cowboy boots and hat plus savco jeans hence they have no sense of fashion. The men are very unromantic and concentrate more on buying land, building homes and taking their kids to expensive schools they have trophy wives. They are business men and  can sell sand to an Arabian… I can go on and on feel free to add on. They have problems with( r&l ) (sh & ch) saying (twero) instead of twelve They commit capital offenses and have a representative in every prison around the world.

2.      Kamba- They are said to be petty thieves Mlolongo speaks for its self. Going by politics they may be said to be watermelons. They move to the city in search of food as their county is kinda dry. On a positive note however they have very sweet mangos and like sex. They just sound funny…

3.      Kalenjins- they win medals for our country,their women are tall dark skinned and beautiful, they have huge parcels of land and after a good business day of selling wheat they spend most of it in clubs with campus girls and whores. The go to the club on tractors…HOW NOW? They replace (F) for (B) e.g.  Fanta becomes (banta) d for T modem becomes Motem

4.      Luhyas—they are sports men especially soccer and Rugby; if you are one of them and you are not athletic maybe you were adopted. They end every Swahili word with KO semeKO, endeKO, EndesheKO. They love chicken like pets that you can eat every once in a while.

5.      Luo- they are from the lakeside and their main economic activity is fishing and they can’t even pronounce the word FISH (Fis). They are known to lead fake lives one can have a merc and sleep on the floor. Or buy an Armani suit and in the face of bankruptcy. They all know English or englis(*) and are familiar with the surface area of lake Victoria. Because of their lavish lifestyles they are also very romantic and even those that have not gone to school buy newspapers and read them up side down. The women have ass hmm!! And the men are scholars mainly lecturers and authors e.g. MIGUNA somebody

Theres this joke a pal of mine told me “ A Luo man and his galfriend were on a boat and the galfriend decides to give him head. . . so the galfriend is down there and all and this dude sees a shark and he shouts 'sark!! omera  Sark!!'"  

some of you will get that joke in 2013

I could go on and on but I need to go get supper. . . Kenyans are beautiful people,lets cherish peace and enjoy stereo types for what they are. . .Today’s quote

“Trying and failing is not Failure but failing to try is failure.”

jazino

  

Bucket list

Bucket list

This is a list of the things I intend to do and those I have done by the time I kick the bucket

1. Become a millionaire by the age of 27
2. Shag a 10 in my opinion and that of the public domain
3. Buy a BMW
4. Get a girlfriend(beautiful of cause )
5. Go bungee jumping
6. Buy a 500cc+  motor cycle preferably a BMW
7. Win a golf tournament
8. Create a self sustaining empire.
9. Get 2 kids
10. Die
11. Create a real blog
12. Get so drunk I pass out

This is my first post on this Blog and I hope that this Baby will grow into something bigger. Of the eleven things outlined, I have done 2,11 and 12. I am keen on attaining 1 and 4 and any legal means, proposals and assistance are welcome; as for 2 I TAPPED THAT!!

The things outlined may seem immature in the eye of some of you old folks reading this, I believe this is not the blog for you to read but read on because all the stuff that I will be posting here happens to me and the people around me. I will try to end every post with an inspirational quote.

"Money can guarantee you comfort but it does not guarantee you happiness"