SERMONS

I begin typing this post at 11:59pm so I can safely assume that I posted it on a Sunday, I must point out that I am super sleepy. Today being the most religious day of the week for Christians makes me want to write about sermons; and no I am not going to preach because the good book says that you can’t preachblog.. And I did not just make that isht up preachblog is a real word.

Anyway what makes a good sermon? The church was good business until we recently discovered the MWENDES and FIRE MINISTRIES of this world and there’s a MWENDE smiley doing rounds and it looks sth like this :-^. That aside we live in a time where televangelism is booming business and all one can see is the preachers forehead because the rest of the screen is covered by M-PESA numbers. . . they ask their follower (read sheep) to plant seed so that they can get rich and stuff. . . that is sheepish.

For those of you willing to get into this tax free business you may need to know things not to preach about especially considering that some members came to church after a night of one too many  i.e.

1.       Rapture-this sermon scares the shit out of people and they will neither come to your church nor send M_PESA nobody wants to hear about sulphur and dragon breathing 10 headed monsters

2.       Tithe- This is where the congregation members stop coming to your church reason being ( after money is collected in this already hard the pastor buys a vehicle that most of us have only seen on that top gear show) this kills the giving spirit so word of advice buy a church van and give every member chai mandazi after, during or before service; believe me it’s a motivator.

3.       Miracles- after MWENDE this sermon is no longer popular

This list is not exhaustive but I have a list of sermons that will get your congregation growing

1.       Success- esp financial

2.       Spouses- women who go to church want to find men who go to church while the men who go to church are there to see single ladies, married couples are there to see different faces *part of that statement makes no sense*

3.       Being poor and seeing the kingdom of heaven. . . someone once said that ‘religion is the opium of the poor’ and I just said it again. That point is self explanatory

4.       Blah blah blah- this sermon ie the blah blah  puts the congregation to sleep and is especially good for couples as the man gets to take a nap because the woman has to observe silence *Women if your man dozes off, let him enjoy the peace and do not pinch him or nudge him disrupting his dreams about you on a guillotine” 

Thought of the day; if you go to a wedding with no alcohol or wine of any kind ask yourself “ what would Jesus do?”